Obviously at the age of 22 I don’t know everything, and I have never convinced myself to believe that I do. The crazy thing is that I still never realized how little I know. This month I was able to gain a deeper understanding about my motives to serve God.
I have yet to master the art of self-reflection. Reason being that I recognize I’m a total mess and too much to deal with. That being said, God has led me to join this remarkable discipleship & leadership program where I’m extremely encouraged to self-reflect. Making the transition from setting aside my emotions incessantly to self-reflecting almost every day, has allowed me to see something in my heart that has offended God.
There’s an evaluation system wherever you go— a certain level of expectation for everything you do. Most people want the A+ in school or a raise for doing a good job at work, and that’s normal. Naturally, we want to be approved for the things that we’ve done.
Growing up in church has provided me with endless opportunities to serve in different ministries; I’ve seen God do unimaginable and astounding things in my life and those around me. I’ve had my whole life to learn about a selfless God who teaches us to be selfless just the same, and yet I found myself seeking an A+ or a promotion from Him based on my performance. My motives to serve Him were selfish. This desire for perfection left me with a twisted perception of my value, and I had no idea until now. In my head, I’m confident that God’s love doesn’t change whether I fail or succeed, but in my heart, rarely does it feel that way. The days I feel low, I believe God’s love for me disintegrates; the days I feel accomplished, I trust that I am cherished by him. This mindset goes against everything God tells us through his Word, and I’m so grateful to be aware of it now. I realize that one of my motives to serve God isn’t pure. I have offended him by believing that his love isn’t good enough for me, and that it is dependent upon my performance.
During one of our sessions, Roger Daniel asked what determined the value of something. Being in Real Estate, I quickly went through a list— condition, location, scarcity, just to name a few. Well, my answers weren’t wrong, but they weren’t the most important either. The reality is that something is only worth what someone is willing to pay for it. I know Jesus Christ paid the ultimate price for me… so, how valuable does that make me? How valuable does that make you?
The performance pursuit is a hollow ambition that says Christ’s sacrifice isn’t enough. Don’t fall into the trap of believing that you’re only good enough when you feel that way. My advice for you is the same for me— be intentional about reminding yourself that God values you the same at your highest point and at your lowest point.