“Why can’t I be more confident?”
Thoughts like these dominated my mind, and I felt like they were beginning to dictate what was true of me.Diana Carolina Cruz
As the Discipleship Director for Abante International, life does not always come so easy. Being in a leadership position, my actions are watched by my disciples and there are certain expectations that have to be met. This all became very real to me while we were in Kiel, Germany this year.
I had the great opportunity to lead worship many times for Kieler Leuchtrum. However, my self confidence seemed to greatly decrease during this week. Starting on the first day, the constant battle began in my mind and spirit. Lies of my self image and my belief in my own leadership skills drowned my thoughts. I felt like I was not good enough at leading worship or capable of leading a team of my own. Ever been there? When you look at yourself in the mirror and you don’t love what you see; those days you wouldn’t dare step foot on the scale. That was exactly where I was standing. Not on the scale… but, you know.
As a woman, I think we can all relate when we don’t feel pretty enough, strong enough or confident in our skin. And those things seem to be highlighted when you have to perform tasks that require you to be the center of attention. “If only I were thinner”, “Gosh, if my face would just…CLEAR UP!”, “Why can’t I be more confident?” These thoughts dominated my mind, and I felt like they were beginning to dictate what was true of me. This struggle has existed ever since I was a young teenager, and even though I have made progress throughout the years, this battle still arises. Let me be real with you, Ladies.
I made it a point to spend time in the presence of God every single day. Nevertheless, my struggles were still very real and very present. It was a process of learning that even when I am right with God or submerged in His word, I can still experience hard times in life. Walking daily in the Spirit does not mean that we won’t face difficulty. It just means that when those lies come and attack, we are ready; dressed in the full armor of God. Walking daily in the Spirit means that we renew our minds with what He says is true about us. If you have forgotten what that is, I would like to take a second to remind you:
You are beautifully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139); You are all together beautiful and there is no flaw in you. (Song of Songs 4:7).
While the fight may be continuous and the lies still present, remember that your identity is not found in your body or your weight. It is found in Christ. I will fight to hear His voice over my own.
Will you join me?
-Diana Carolina Cruz